Total words: 562
Manuscript total: 5,670
This morning, I slept in until 6:30am — highly unusual for me — and instead of jumping into my day’s to-do-list as I drank my first cup of coffee, I did something else unusual.
I sat on the couch, and I watched the sunlight play against the wall across from me.
Let’s all take a deep breath.
Everyone around me has been on edge lately. LT and K, like so many other parents, are struggling with suddenly having their children at home all day, every day. The kids themselves both want a schedule and rebel against it, lashing out in their own anxiety with fighting and meltdowns.
F, who is always anxious in general, is now having panic attacks on a regular basis.
S is my pilot friend who anticipates being laid off any day now. She reports not being able to find the motivation to get off the couch.
My roommate W has been playing video games for nine, ten hours per day.
And A, who took a leave of absence from her job to protect the vulnerable health of her wife, is wondering how much longer she can afford not to work — not to mention how much longer her relationship can take being cooped up together all day, every day with nowhere to go and not much to do. It’s hard when one partner is in relatively good spirits and the other is fighting against the ever-threatening dark cloud of depression.
There’s only so much Netflix we can all watch.
I’m on edge, too. I’ve kept myself busy with schoolwork, art, writing, and so forth, and I’ve tried to limit my news consumption, but let’s all just be emotionally honest for a moment and admit to ourselves that this is all fucking hard, no matter how many silver linings we find or rose-tinted glasses we wear.
Accept.
I can only speak for myself, not for any of you, but I know for me, I have to practice a lot of acceptance right now — accepting the rolling waves of the ocean of my mind as I bob up and down on these highs and lows.
I have to accept whatever comes up, work with it, not ignore it by simply keeping myself as busy as possible.
Yes, I need routines for my sanity. And I need to stay connected to a greater purpose as a buoy to get me through this. But on some mornings, what I need is to sleep in, sit on the couch, and watch the sunlight play against the wall while I drink my coffee.
And when I finish my coffee, I’ll take a deep breath, open my planner, and decide what I need to do with my day.
7 Comments
Sarah Wiseman · March 28, 2020 at 11:28 pm
Hi Eliza.
It so interesting reading your words. (as always)
I think we are all going through this huge emotional upheaval right now. So much so that it feels like months, not days since it all got serious for us. I’m sure things will settle down as we adjust.
This week I’ve been reminded of this photo I had on my wall when I was a student, of a bombed street in London during WW2, there’s piles of rubble, ruined vehicles, and down the middle of a cleared path is walking this milkman, carrying his basket of milk bottles… Delivering his milk, as normal. You could not put two more opposing concepts together…(almost like a Banksy) I always thought it was about people carrying on despite everything going to shit, but now I think it’s more nuanced than that… There’s a huge desire for normality and a simple need for milk! (probably for tea!)
I’ve also thought about Anne Frank’s diary… Good grief, you could not get more on lock down than them.. Have you read it? It goes from the fairly mundane diary of a bored child to the profound musings of a bit of a teenaged philosopher genius. She talked a lot about how hopelessly bored she was and how much some of the people she was locked up with drove her mad. Despite that, she managed to write something that changed the world for the better.
Maybe we should all write a diary during this period (like your blog) … It could make a fascinating read for our future selves… (or future historians)
Maybe!? 😬
Take care, and thanks for sharing!
(and enjoy your occasional lie in! We all need treats at the moment!)
The Real Person!
Indeed — that is one thing I keep coming back to: Just how fascinating it is to be living through this. And that is one reason I’ve been blogging daily, to keep a kind of historical record of what’s going on, even if I’m the only one who will read it in the future.
Jen · March 29, 2020 at 3:08 am
Come on, Gen X, this is what we are made for. Keeping ourselves entertained at home. Chilling out. At the risk of sounding like mom-friend, don’t harsh your own mellow. Noticing the way the light moved on your wall was probably the most important thing you did for yourself today.
Think of how interesting of a time this is to be alive, and how uniquely we are positioned as the generation that remembers the birth of the very medium we are using to communicate with right now. Before it and after it. Lol, like Christ. Before computers, after computers. Amazing.
Imagine this pandemic with only phones and tv and newspapers and letters. Imagine how much worse it might be if so many people didn’t have access to each other and the world in an instant. Wild. We may not have known much about what was coming, or did we know TOO MUCH? We are really only built to handle the trauma in a village of like 200 people, so while it’s good to know about dangers, you’re right to reduce your media exposure.
Anyway, I’m Canadian and I came here to say thanks for writing your fantasy series because I have been a fantasy reader since grade 5 or something and I’m 40. So grateful for the lesbians. I hope someone writes some lesbians into something you can be grateful for too, because you can’t experience your work like your readers do. I’m a visual artist so I know that is true. I left you reviews on Amazon but they are reviewing my reviews because they are fascists and I think I used colourful language once. I work in film, ffs, it’s hard to shake the sailor-mouth even when all productions are shut down.
The Real Person!
LOL, thanks for sharing! What kind of film?
Jen · March 29, 2020 at 5:21 pm
Film construction. Specifically scenic art/paint/plaster/making shit look like other shit. We create convincing illusions. I’ve worked on a lot of different things. Last season was almost all Netflix stuff, with the exception of Star Trek (discovery). I’ve done a lot of work on the sets for that show, very high-level work. Difficult, but rewarding for perfectionists who need to channel that energy into something that doesn’t make their loved ones irritable. Lol. Umbrella Academy, the boys, American Gods. We do Handmaids Tale here but I haven’t worked on it yet. Jupiter’s Legacy (I don’t think it’s out yet). Its a pretty intense job, in every way, especially for women.
The Real Person!
Wow, that’s amazing, Jen!!!!!! Very cool! I love pretty much all the shows on your list, though I haven’t seen American Gods. Umbrella Academy is one of my faves.
Jen · March 30, 2020 at 6:15 pm
When I worked on season one of Umbrella Academy there was a seasonal flu burning its way through the whole construction crew. Only myself and about 4 of my coworkers were spared. I can’t imagine how screwed we would have been if it was covid.
So that’s how fast these things catch. People who don’t take this stuff seriously clearly have not seen anyone they love die. My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer on November 14 and died in December 14 of 2019, 4 weeks later. It was the saddest (and oddly, the most beautiful, in a way) experience of my life. I am very relieved that he was gone before the pandemic, so from that perspective, the timing seems more like a gift than anything else. I got to be there with him, many people will not be so lucky.
So I am glad that all production for everything is shut down right now. If we had covid on a crew it would be a tragedy.
Okay, so here is a fun fact because the above was a deep overshare; we worked strapped into the studio ceiling like marionettes to paint the second floor of the living room set, and from “scissor” lifts. I was like “Don’t worry guys, I’ll drive the lift, I am a scissoring expert. In fact, I think I was made for exactly this task.” LOL. Jesus Christ, I am insufferable, but I find people love to suffer me anyway.
The scenic team on season one of Umbrella were really really talented people. It was a pleasure to work with them even though I worked for 31 days straight on that big academy set. I haven’t worked on season two, different team.